San Diego Circle

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Sightseeing with Michelle
By Michelle Balmes
Article #4
October 23, 2003

The deeper I go into my spirituality, the more I run head-on into my fears about it. Because I feel like a spiritual person living in a world that has moved away from spirituality; going against the tide, once again. Awake, in a world of sleepwalkers. The thing is, I’m grateful to be awake, to be aware: but the realization of the challenges that this brings, of what lies ahead in living my spirituality into my life, scares me. I ask myself, “what is that fear?” Is it that I’m not up to whatever will be required?

It’s like coming out, all over again. I had the same basic fears when I realized I was gay; that it wasn’t “just a phase”; that this was Who I Am, and that I was going to have to live in this predominately straight world, and make my way being different. Going against the tide. It terrified me then, at least at first. Until I met other gay people and realized I wasn’t alone. Even then, my coming out was slow. S-L-O-W. Because I had to first come out to myself, then to others (only those I trusted). I hid a lot; didn’t want to be noticed. Now, 20 years later, I’m a different person. I’m out to everyone in my life, but it still makes me nervous sometimes when I open up to new people. The difference is, I’m stronger now. I have a supportive and loving family of friends and relatives who give me the strength and wisdom to be myself.

Now that my spirituality is emerging another part of me that just rose to the surface, it seems; not consciously sought by me, but just Me, emerging.
Like being gay, it is Who I Am; I cannot reject it, nor would I want to.
The deeper I go into my spirit, my source, the more that seems at stake.

What will it entail to live an authentic, spirit-led life? Am I up to it? I cannot hide from it; it would only suffocate me. Once again I feel like an alien in a strange land. My values, my perspectives, seem so different from what I see in the media, on TV., in the “mainstream”. Even so, I know that’s not the whole truth; I know that there are others like me, who want what I want and are discovering the same truths that I am. I know that we are all being fed lies everyday, through advertising and news reports and “reality” shows (we even get our Reality through the TV. now; no need to even leave the house!); that the newest, fastest, biggest this or that computer, SUV, video game, TV., etc. is where It’s at, what we need, what me must have….now! What are you waiting for? And that we just can’t miss the next episode of “Survivor” or “Blind Date” or whatever. Our society has been put under a spell; we’ve insulated ourselves from the Truth about why we’re all here, and what really matters; we actually believe that hi-tech gadgets and money and status are important, or real.

I know, though, that more and more people are waking up; because I am waking up, and I am a part of this great, magical, collective consciousness. Now that I’m awake and aware, I know that I can never embrace those false values, those lies, again. Yet, I’m not sure what to do now; where to go, and how to move forward in this present-day world. One step at a time, I guess. I remember that this is a journey, and the whole path is never clear. I guess in the end it really does all come down to faith. I pray for the courage and the sight to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I am grateful, because this time, I have a community with whom I can share the journey.

- Michelle
Copyright 2003 Michelle Balmes. All Rights Reserved.

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